Dear Guys: What not to do at a club

I frequent the club scene. After all, I am a 22 year old single college lady who just wants to dance. A few weeks back I was politely “no thank you”-ing the surrounding gentlemen in order to dance by myself when I was approached by a guy who said, “I think it’s awesome that you come here, don’t want or need a guy, and have so much fun dancing by yourself!” 

Thank you, kind sir for your words of encouragement. His simple words got me thinking, what do guys think girls come here for? What is it about me dancing alone that was worthy of a compliment from a complete stranger? Why is this so unique to see?

When I talk with my girlfriends it becomes pretty plain what we do not want at clubs. And so, out of the kindness of my heart, I figured I would compile a list of what *most* girls do not want to see/do/touch/hear while enjoying herself on that dancefloor so that you, handsy-gentleman, do not get the awkward “no-thank you” followed by giggles from that clique you’ve been eyeing up.

1. Your stranger-male-genitalia rubbing all up on my booty.

Contrary to popular belief, casually showing up behind me introducing yourself with your penis is not the way to my heart. I have to give credit to those guys who actually ask to dance, but if your form of “dancing” is casually showing up behind me introducing yourself with your penis, I will “no thank you” you and continue jumping around waving my arms in the air like I just don’t care.

If you would like to join me in that, feel free-the more the merrier. I just want no part in booty rubbing on your stranger gentleman’s sausage.

2. You to talk over the music.

I am flattered that you want to know so much about me, right here and right now… at this very second, but we are in a night c.l.u.b. Like, what makes you think screaming over the music asking personal questions is a fun time? What makes you think I even want to think about, let alone talk about the real world right now? In fact, I really quite enjoy singing along and dancing to the music. After all, we are in a club. So save the talking for another time… I’ll give you my number and then you can call me, maybe.

3. “Ayo Mamiii, high 5 for wearing those leggins'”

And yes, this is an actual example… One of which I have very few words for…

a) …High 5? Really? That’s how you get a woman?

b) No….Learn how to properly hit on a girl.

c) I am wearing leggings because they are comfortable to dance in. Am I aware that they make any hiney look like a 10? Yes, yes I am. But I am wearing them for my own comfort/laziness, not to be high fived from your approval.

d) MY EYES ARE UP ….AND AROUND AND OVER…HERE!

4. Random hands groping and grasping as I make my way to the bathroom…or bar…or just through the club…

So this type of guy takes the opposite approach of “ayo mamii dat butt” and just goes for it. He just reaches his hand out into the crowd, wiggles it around a bit, and grabs any thing that he thinks is a private female part.

Why do you think that is appropriate? Where in the world would this be appropriate? (Okay, maybe a strip club, I’m not sure- I haven’t had much experience in that scene) but come on…

If this has ever worked for ANYONE out there, PLEASE, I am begging you, let me know. I need to hear your testimony. Because I am almost 100% certain that this type of guy at a club has never had any sort of encounter with the female sex, has no mother/grandmother/sister/aunt and apparently missed out on the whole concept of respect.

5. “I’ll buy you a drink if you dance with me.”

Do I look like I can be bribed? Alright, to be fair I will take the free drink. But as soon as I am done sipping whatever cheap-fruity thing that you assume I like, I am booking. Does that seem rude? Yes, yes it does. But you know what else seems odd- thinking that you can buy time to rub your peepee on my booty simply by purchasing a two dollar cranberry vodka.

 

 

So there ya have it. Of course I am speaking solely from my own cynical-female-views, and there are ladies out there would love nothing more than to shake their glutes against all angles of your thighs for a free drink, loving the cheap compliments you are screaming to them over the music, but I’d like to think that I can speak for at least part of the female population in saying: No thank you. 

 

*Disclaimer, I know not all guys are this forward/gross/disrespectful at clubs. These are just the few stereotypes that need to be addressed. 

 

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Express Yourself: Tutus in a Sea of Cocktail Dresses

On January 20th I celebrated my dream birthday: seeing one of my favorite DJs (Diplo) in a freakin’ crazy city (Atlantic City) with two of my best friends from college.

After listening to middle school tunes such as Misery Business and LG FUAD during the car ride, passing out for a nap immediately upon arrival in a huge party city, my vegetarian friend accidentally ordering a burger for dinner, and losing $5 in the slot machines, we were ready to rave.

On goes the tutus, LED accessories, and kandi (handmade bracelets traded in order to represent a specific event, moment, connection, person, etc)

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(^my collection)

Little did I know, and despite the other rave-esque shows I have attended in AC, “rave gear” is not usually permitted in the Borgata

Awkward

And so we roll up covered in neon and beads, are some how let into the Mixx night club, and instantly realize how out of place we look (even though we were some of the first people there…that’s a sign….)

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Hey, at least we matched the staff in their fluffies & booty shorts.

The crowd continued to arrive in their cute cocktail dresses and heels as we danced about with the sway of our tutus. We met a few awesome girls in the bathroom (there ya go boys, that’s what we really do in there- meet new friends) and a group of people who were so excited it was my birthday that they screamed “HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY!” to me any time we crossed paths throughout the entire night…which was a lot… I didn’t hate it.

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It was one of the most unique raving experiences I’ve ever had, and I’m so glad I was able to have such an experience. There were no light gloves or crazy outfits (aside from ours, I suppose) that I am so used to seeing, but every one was still all there for the same reason: the music.

I received numerous hugs from strangers wishing me a happy birthday,  gave away an entire arm’s-worth of kandi to those who were interested, explaining the meaning if they didn’t know, and was able to join in screaming my lungs out and dancing my worries away with a group full of diverse people united by music.

One of the girls that I met, after I traded her a special piece of kandi that I made, had no kandi to trade back, so she literally took one of her regular bracelets off of her arm and insisted that I take it. It was such an amazing gesture-I almost cried.

I had some interesting conversations such as the guy who claimed raves are only fun if on Molly and when I told him I disagreed-I’ve gone sober, he apologized and said he would take away the stereotype (thanks for further imbedding that negative stigma into the culture, sir) , or the guy who said “I’m surprised they let you in like that” and when I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or not, he continued “but I’m glad they did. Your outfits are awesome!”.

I also had some interesting encounters such as the older man who kept trying to dance with each of my friends by casually showing up behind us even after we consistently said “No thank you”. If you are not my boyfriend, and you’re not because I’m single, then I do NOT want to grind with you at a rave. Sorry sirs.

But the absolute best moment of the entire night: Diplo played a BIRTHDAY mix, and despite the fact that I met others who were celebrating their birthdays that night, and birthdays are pretty common things- I took his mix very, very personally (after all, I have been tweeting to him about January 20th for weeks now…) And when it came on, the awesome people who were near me all surrounded me, pointed to me, and serenaded me.

Like. What. What an AMAZING present! I had half a rave sing a birthday mix at a DIPLO show to me!

So, I have to admit that it was unique dancing in a tutu among a sea of business-attire and cocktail dresses, but it was an amazing experience because, and i reiterate, we were still all there and united for the same reason: the music. (Oh, and my birthday)

And that’s what it’s all about.

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**Also, if I could only still do a handstand I would have Expressed Myself all over that floor.